LOS ANGELES—Touting his commitment to authentic visual effects, filmmaker Christopher Nolan revealed Tuesday that he built a fully practical Tom Holland for his latest film, The Odyssey. “When you see Telemachus standing on the terrace overlooking Ithaca, you’ll say, ‘That’s got to be CGI’—but I can assure you, that’s bona fide Tom Holland,” said Nolan, […]
The post Christopher Nolan Recalls Building Fully Practical Tom Holland For ‘The Odyssey’ appeared first on The Onion.
LAS VEGAS—Expressing frustration after interacting with the unsightly couple during his first few minutes in the world, local newborn Charles “Charlie” Womack could reportedly already tell Tuesday that his parents’ genetics were not going to do him any favors. “Oh boy, looks like I’m gonna have to put all my eggs in the personality basket,” […]
The post Newborn Baby Can Already Tell Parents’ Genetics Not Going To Do Him Any Favors appeared first on The Onion.
SPOKANE VALLEY, WA—Experiencing a range of emotions from excitement to joy to nostalgia, 49-year-old geologist Alan Hargroder was reportedly reunited Tuesday with a beloved rock that he had studied over 20 years earlier. “Oh my God, I can’t believe it remembers me,” said the University of Idaho professor, who embraced the piece of sedimentary rock […]
The post Geologist Reunited With Beloved Rock He Studied 20 Years Ago appeared first on The Onion.
WASHINGTON—Urging anyone with knowledge of the electronic device to come forward, FBI Director Kash Patel issued a statement Tuesday asking for the public’s help using the computer. “If any Americans have information related to the operation of a Lenovo laptop running Windows—at least I think it’s Windows, anyway—we encourage them to very slowly talk me […]
The post Kash Patel Calls For Public’s Help Using Computer appeared first on The Onion.
Tim Wallace, 56, has gone to be with the Lord. He is survived by 1.4 billion Chinese people, among others.
The post Tim Wallace appeared first on The Onion.
WASHINGTON—Stipulating that the South Caucasus nation should be nothing but ash by the time it’s all over, the will of recently deceased Sen. Lindsey Graham orders his estate to start a war with Azerbaijan, sources confirmed Monday. “The entirety of the document consists of very specific battle plans for the scorched-earth military conquest of Azerbaijan […]
The post Lindsey Graham’s Will Orders Estate To Start War With Azerbaijan appeared first on The Onion.
WASHINGTON—Emphasizing that every second counted during a cardiac episode, doctors on Monday praised first responders for being too late to save Lindsay Graham from an aortic dissection. “Paramedics had a very short window to save Sen. Graham, and thankfully they did not make it in time,” said George Washington University Hospital cardiologist Dr. Eric Fallstaff, […]
The post Paramedics Praised For Being Too Late To Save Lindsey Graham appeared first on The Onion.
SAN BERNARDINO COUNTY, CA—Tugging down his blue jeans as tens of thousands of heliostat mirrors angled the noonday sun in his direction, Health and Human Services Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr. was reportedly overheard saying “Time to become immortal” Monday while he exposed his perineum atop the Ivanpah 2 solar tower in the Mojave Desert. […]
The post ‘Time To Become Immortal,’ Announces RFK Jr., Exposing Perineum Atop Solar Tower appeared first on The Onion.
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