The Best Books To Motivate And Inspire You
The post The Best Books To Motivate And Inspire You appeared first on The Onion.
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Poor Sleep Linked To Gong
CHICAGO—Concluding that the costs of keeping such a device in the bedroom far exceeded the benefits, a study released Monday by the University of Chicago’s sleep lab found a strong link between poor sleep and the presence of a gong. “Our research consistently revealed that one of the best predictors of a sleepless night was having […] The post Poor Sleep Linked To Gong appeared first on The Onion.
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Brutal Economy Fulfills Mom’s Dream Of Having All Her Kids Back Home
DULUTH, MN—Overjoyed to have a full house for the first time since everyone went off to college, local mother Leslie Daniels confirmed Thursday it was a dream come true to have all her children back home, a reunion made possible only by the merciless and punishing economic conditions that have stripped an entire generation of […] The post Brutal Economy Fulfills Mom’s Dream Of Having All Her Kids Back Home appeared first on The Onion.
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NFL Announces Multiple Games Next Season To Be Played Across Ancient History
NEW YORK—Calling the move the logical next phase in the league’s continuing expansion into new markets, the NFL announced Monday that, beginning next season, it would begin staging several games across various epochs of history. “We’ve seen tremendous growth from bringing the game to destinations like London, Berlin, and Mexico City, and now we’re planning on […] The post NFL Announces Multiple Games Next Season To Be Played Across Ancient History appeared first on The Onion.
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Wretches Welcome
Room and board provided, but you will need to earn your keep. Your quarters are the garret, where you will sleep in silence beside the groundskeeper. One stick of firewood allotted on Christmas Day, if you have proven satisfactory. Reference #520739 The post Wretches Welcome appeared first on The Onion.
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Tanya Brown
Tanya Brown, 46, died Wednesday when she was unable to prevent her driverless vehicle from dragging her through a slaughterhouse. The post Tanya Brown appeared first on The Onion.
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Carlos Alcaraz Credits Success To Tennis Being Easiest Game In The World
VILLENA, SPAIN—Shrugging off the notion that it required any special talent or discipline to become the youngest player in history to complete the career Grand Slam, 22-year-old tennis superstar Carlos Alcaraz credited his massive success in the sport Tuesday to the fact that tennis is the easiest game in the world. “All you need to […] The post Carlos Alcaraz Credits Success To Tennis Being Easiest Game In The World appeared first on The Onion.
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The Onion’s Exclusive Interview With Pope Leo XIV
As the first supreme pontiff from the United States, Pope Leo XIV has balanced anti-war and climate advocacy with tending to the diverse spiritual needs of the Catholic Church’s 1.4 billion followers. The Onion sat down with the bishop of Rome so he could lay out his vision for the church in the 21st century. […] The post The Onion’s Exclusive Interview With Pope Leo XIV appeared first on The Onion.
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FDA Loosens Restrictions On Dousing Children With Synthetic Peptides Until Something Happens
SILVER SPRING, MD—Revealing plans to lift all unnecessary regulations surrounding the use of lab-developed amino acid chains, the Food and Drug Administration announced Tuesday that it had loosened restrictions on dousing children with synthetic peptides until something happens. “If you dunk your kids in enough artificial peptides, something cool will eventually take place,” said agency […] The post FDA Loosens Restrictions On Dousing Children With Synthetic Peptides Until Something Happens appeared first on The Onion.
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12-Year-Old Accepted Into Worst College Imaginable
WABASH, IN—Emphasizing that her son’s young age had never stopped him from pursuing his dreams, local mother Hannah Butler celebrated Monday when her 12-year-old was accepted into the worst college imaginable. “After years of hard work and skipping several grades, we are so proud that our son will be attending Duane McAskill University [an unaccredited […] The post 12-Year-Old Accepted Into Worst College Imaginable appeared first on The Onion.
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Pentagon Develops Tactical Zoot Suit
WASHINGTON—Calling the snazzy battle garments the most substantial advancement in boogie-woogie warfare in 85 years, Pentagon officials confirmed Friday that development on the U.S. military’s highly specialized tactical zoot suit had been completed. “These combat zoot suits with high waists and oversized jackets are key to keeping our troops safe and jazzy on the battlefield,” said […] The post Pentagon Develops Tactical Zoot Suit appeared first on The Onion.
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‘Real Housewives Of Rhode Island’ All Holding Gov. Dan McKee In Opening Credits
The post ‘Real Housewives Of Rhode Island’ All Holding Gov. Dan McKee In Opening Credits appeared first on The Onion.
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