Spencer Pratt Announces Run For L.A. Mayor
Reality television personality Spencer Pratt announced a longshot bid for Los Angeles mayor, with The Hills star vowing to “expose the system.” What do you think? The post Spencer Pratt Announces Run For L.A. Mayor appeared first on The Onion.
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God Admits Imitation Crab Tastes Just As Good
THE HEAVENS—Praising the man-made food item as “on par with the real thing,” God Almighty, Our Lord and Heavenly Father, admitted Thursday that imitation crab tastes just as good as the living crabs that He created. “Credit where credit is due—between the pleasant taste and low cost, I definitely don’t hate this,” said the Infallible Architect […] The post God Admits Imitation Crab Tastes Just As Good appeared first on The Onion.
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Wild-Eyed Andy Cohen Announces ‘The Real Housewives Of My Attic’
AMAGANSETT, NY—Saying he couldn’t wait for Bravo’s audience to meet the dynamic cast of his latest production, a shaking, wild-eyed Andy Cohen took to Instagram Live Monday to announce he had just greenlit The Real Housewives Of My Attic. “Based on the scuttling and scampering noises I hear coming from up there 24 hours a day, […] The post Wild-Eyed Andy Cohen Announces ‘The Real Housewives Of My Attic’ appeared first on The Onion.
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Vivid Sex Dream About Steely McBeam Again
PITTSBURGH—Acknowledging that the erotic, ultrarealistic episodes had been a frequent occurrence since the NFL season began, local resident Peter Hayward told reporters Tuesday that his vivid sex dream from the previous evening was once again about Pittsburgh Steelers mascot Steely McBeam. “Oh Jesus, I had another weird Steely dream—why does this keep happening?” said Hayward, […] The post Vivid Sex Dream About Steely McBeam Again appeared first on The Onion.
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Powerful Bidet Blasts Hole Clean Through Man
The post Powerful Bidet Blasts Hole Clean Through Man appeared first on The Onion.
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Amy Warburton and Zachary Kemp
It wasn’t at a plantation, okay? It was just a big Southern house. The post Amy Warburton and Zachary Kemp appeared first on The Onion.
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Really Hot Mailman
This otherwise unremarkable home is serviced by a real 10-out-of-10 panty-melting stud of a postal worker. Reference #45823 The post Really Hot Mailman appeared first on The Onion.
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Hospital Accused Of Faking Cancer Wing For Attention
The post Hospital Accused Of Faking Cancer Wing For Attention appeared first on The Onion.
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GOP Adds ‘ICE Kills Everyone’ Pillar To 2026 Platform
WASHINGTON—Adopting a new set of national policy positions ahead of this year’s midterms, top GOP leaders released an updated party platform Tuesday to introduce their official “ICE kills everyone” agenda for 2026. “In our continuing fight to make America great again, it is vital we maintain Republican control of the government so we can ensure […] The post GOP Adds ‘ICE Kills Everyone’ Pillar To 2026 Platform appeared first on The Onion.
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Zillow Adds Segregation Score
SEATTLE—In an effort to help U.S. homebuyers find the kinds of neighborhoods they’re looking for, online real estate marketplace Zillow announced Monday that it had provided each property listing with a segregation score, allowing users to quickly gauge an area’s racial homogeneity. “Every home on Zillow now includes a rating of one to 100 based on […] The post Zillow Adds Segregation Score appeared first on The Onion.
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Child’s Blow Into Car Breathalyzer Rewarded With Dicey Trip To Ice Cream Shop
MILWAUKEE—After instructing his 5-year-old son to imagine a bunch of birthday candles at the other end of the tube, local dad Rick Cerney, 41, reportedly rewarded the child’s blow into his car Breathalyzer Monday with a dicey trip to an ice cream shop. “Great job, buddy—just like a balloon, right?” Cerney said as he used his […] The post Child’s Blow Into Car Breathalyzer Rewarded With Dicey Trip To Ice Cream Shop appeared first on The Onion.
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RFK Jr. Coughs Up Pair Of Jeans
The post RFK Jr. Coughs Up Pair Of Jeans appeared first on The Onion.
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