NEW YORK—Condemning the semiaquatic seabirds’ heretical acts as an affront to the principles the organization was founded to sustain, Audubon Society officials released a statement Monday formally excommunicating penguins. “These flightless beasts have committed acts of unforgivable schism against the avian community, and in the eyes of the Audubon Society penguins are now fallen birds,” […]
The post Audubon Society Formally Excommunicates Penguins appeared first on The Onion.
BISMARCK, ND—Admitting that it had let the other 49 states do “pretty much all of the heavy lifting,” North Dakota issued a formal apology Tuesday for contributing nothing to the nation’s greatness. “Look, we acknowledge that we don’t exactly bring much to the table besides being a cold, windy rectangle on the map, and for that […]
The post North Dakota Apologizes For Contributing Nothing To Nation’s Greatness appeared first on The Onion.
In the Russian city of Irkutsk, the death of a plague researcher from a mysterious illness has stoked fears of an outbreak. The Onion shares everything you need to know about the emerging situation. Q: What is the Irkutsk Anti-Plague Research Institute? A: An on-the-nose alibi. Q: Should I be worried? A: You might want […]
The post What To Know About The Potential Russian Plague Outbreak appeared first on The Onion.
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