Trump Claims He Can’t Be Expected To Remember Every Birthday Card He Sends To Child Molesters
🗞️ Breaking! — 03:18 PM(2h or newer)
WASHINGTON—Stressing that it was unrealistic to think he would recollect one such letter out of the vast number he has written in his lifetime, President Donald Trump told reporters Tuesday that he shouldn’t be expected to remember every single birthday card he has sent to child molesters. “Every month I’m probably sending off a dozen […] The post Trump Claims He Can’t Be Expected To Remember Every Birthday Card He Sends To Child Molesters appeared first on The Onion.
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4-Year-Old Accepted Into Mensa
A 4-year-old from Illinois who scored 156 out of 160 on an IQ test was accepted into Mensa, the largest and oldest high-IQ organization in the world. What do you think? The post 4-Year-Old Accepted Into Mensa appeared first on The Onion.
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DOGE Employees Dig Up Arlington National Cemetery
ARLINGTON, VA—In an initiative they described as a vital part of their effort to cut federal spending, officials at the Department of Government Efficiency reported Wednesday that they had dug up Arlington National Cemetery. “The American people gave the president a clear mandate to fight waste, fraud, and abuse by removing the freeloading corpses buried in […] The post DOGE Employees Dig Up Arlington National Cemetery appeared first on The Onion.
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Poll Finds Most Desirable Quality In Romantic Partner Is Being Jacked Centaur
WEST LONG BRANCH, NJ—With the attribute far outpacing characteristics such as humor, kindness, or wealth, a poll released Monday by Monmouth University found that the most desirable quality in a romantic partner was being a jacked centaur. “Among our sample of over 40,000 respondents, by far the most coveted trait in a potential significant other was […] The post Poll Finds Most Desirable Quality In Romantic Partner Is Being Jacked Centaur appeared first on The Onion.
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Stephen Miller’s Forehead Vein Lunges Out To Catch Passing Bird
The post Stephen Miller’s Forehead Vein Lunges Out To Catch Passing Bird appeared first on The Onion.
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Megan Haloiti and Patrick Leigh
The bride said “I do” despite the groom mentioning the film Interstellar three separate times in his vows. The post Megan Haloiti and Patrick Leigh appeared first on The Onion.
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Tips For Apple Picking
Apple picking is a fun and festive way for the whole family to enjoy the scenic autumn season. Here are The Onion’s tips for picking apples. Vastly overestimate how many apples you eat. Visit the orchard in January to avoid the crowds. Leave the kids at home—they’re only going to slow you down. Prioritize the […] The post Tips For Apple Picking appeared first on The Onion.
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Putin, Xi Discuss Immortality On Hot Mic
Russian and Chinese Presidents Vladimir Putin and Xi Jinping were overheard on a hot mic during a Beijing military parade discussing continuous organ transplants and the possibility of living indefinitely. What do you think? The post Putin, Xi Discuss Immortality On Hot Mic appeared first on The Onion.
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Congress Plays Keep-Away With Child’s School Lunch
WASHINGTON—After entering a school cafeteria in D.C. and wrenching a brown paper bag from the hands of a small child, U.S. senators and representatives taunted a 7-year-old student and played keep-away with his lunch, sources reported Tuesday. The sack lunch, which belonged to Stanton Elementary second grader Lucas Henderson and is said to have contained […] The post Congress Plays Keep-Away With Child’s School Lunch appeared first on The Onion.
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RFK Jr. Warns Mistress That Condoms Cause Autism
WASHINGTON—Claiming that 100% of users experienced dangerous side effects as a result of wearing the contraceptive device, Robert F. Kennedy Jr. reportedly paused an amorous moment Thursday to issue a dire warning to his mistress about condoms causing autism. “All of the increased cases of autism over the last decade can be traced to condom usage—at […] The post RFK Jr. Warns Mistress That Condoms Cause Autism appeared first on The Onion.
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House With Cool Turret Thing
Come on, look at how cool this tower thingy is. Imagine sitting in a little circular room like that. So cool. Reference #56727 The post House With Cool Turret Thing appeared first on The Onion.
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